The Cardinals Take Yoda Classes

When the story about Kolten Wong taking yoga classes came out, my immediate reaction–as you are probably not surprised–was to recall this Dilbert cartoon.  (And by recall, I mean look over my monitor at work where it is taped.)

So what if Kolten took along some of his friends to this class led by a wizened, elderly, green teacher?  What would that leader have to say to the different players?

To (the less-than-six-foot) Dominic Leone: “Size matters not.  Judge me by my size, do you?  And well you should not.  Other pitchers, taller they may be.  Height, batters don’t care about.  For your ally is the fastball.”

To Matt Bowman: “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.  Your arm, I refer to.”

To Jordan Hicks: “If you end your training now, if you choose the quick and easy path to the majors like Rosie did, you will become an agent of the bullpen.  Pass that on to Mo, you should.”

To Alex Reyes: “Truly wonderful the strong arm of a young pitcher is.”

To Adam Wainwright: “Mind what you have learned.  Save you it can.  For a little while longer, we hope.”

To Marcell Ozuna: “Through the spring, things you will see.  The future, the past.  Old friends long gone.  Strange to be on the other side of the Jupiter clubhouse, is it not?”

To Matt Carpenter: “You must unlearn what you have learned.  Other than leadoff, you can hit.”

To Yadier Molina: “Fear is the path to the dark side.  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to Instagram.  Instagram leads to suffering–for Carson Kelly’s development, I mean.”

To Sam Tuivailala: “Control.  Control.  You must learn control!  Walking batters is of the dark side.”

To Carlos Martinez: “Already know you what you need.  Concentrate and the ace you will be, no matter what the manager says.”

To Luke Gregerson: “Adventure, heh.  Excitement, heh.  A fan base from their closer craves not these things!”

To Paul DeJong: “Much to learn you still have.  Remember Aledmys Diaz!”

To Tyler Lyons: “Pass on what you have learned.  But not your number.  Always keep that.”

To the class: “If you have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind, great things are possible.  At season’s end, possible it might be to tell the Cubs, ‘At a end your rule is, and not short enough it was!’  May the Force be with you!”

If, for some reason, you liked this post and want to find more Star Wars content on this site (and believe me, there’s plenty), click here.  

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