You Love Baseball, She Loves Jewelry

I’m offended that you are taking offense to something that fails to offend me as much as it offends you.  Or something.

With a seemingly innocuous social media reminder regarding one of approximately 471 promotions at Busch Stadium this year, the Cardinals managed to author a tweet that launched a thousand negative reactions.  Running the gamut from predictably insensitive to “meh” to unparalleled outrage, those reactions provide a reminder that social media users enjoy getting offended and angry (while others enjoy poking fun at the offended and angry).

On the whole, I’d argue that the collective response to perceived injustice probably does more good than harm.  However, I’d argue with equal vigor that the lack of fine tuning and due process means that trials in the court of social media opinion deliver blindingly swift and unforgiving justice of a kind.  The rush to judgment often feels hasty and abrupt, and it’s rarely calibrated as an appropriate response commensurate with the injustice itself.  What works for lambasting the sitting POTUS may not work for a tweeted image that accidentally includes a sex toy in a baseball locker.  Carving up Matt Harvey for failing to show up for a game requires a more delicate touch than poking at United Airlines for their “carry off” policy.

Let’s all work together on a proportionate response this time.  The future of our world depends on what we do right here and now.  Take a moment to think about framing your perspective properly.  To help with that, I’ve taken almost 45 seconds to read the tweet over and over again.  I’ve analyzed the contents, interpreted the possible meanings, and put together a lengthy of explanation of both meaning and intent.

The tweet was aimed primarily at men, and it was intended for those with an unnamed “she” in their lives.  The tweet implied that on May 17th, both “you” and “she” could get something you each want or enjoy.

That’s it.  That’s all of it.

Not really.

But really….

If you are male and love baseball, then proceed to the next step.

Next step:  If you have a “she” in your life, do you know about her feelings on jewelry?  Thin chain or triple herringbone?  Stacked rings or single band?  What about location and type of piercings?  If you don’t know those things, then maybe you should.  Not even joking.  If you have a “he” in your life, the same advice applies.

What if you aren’t sure about whether the tweet applies to you?

I’ll “help”.

  • If you aren’t male, then the tweet may still be for you as long as you have a “she” in your life who likes jewelry.  If you love baseball but don’t have a “she” who likes jewelry, then move on.
  • If you aren’t male, love baseball, but don’t have a “she” in your life who loves jewelry, then move on, I guess.
  • If you aren’t male and don’t love baseball, then move on.  I do highly encourage you to become a baseball fan.
  • If you aren’t female and don’t love baseball, then move on.  I do highly encourage you to become a baseball fan.
  • If you aren’t male or female and love baseball, then the tweet applies as long as you have a “she” who may or may not love jewelry in your life.  If you are offended by anything that doesn’t fully embrace a completely unisex world, then this is still about whether or not you like baseball actually.  It has nothing whatsoever to do with gender identity now that I think about it, but I’m sure we can find some way to construe it that way.
  • If you only “like” baseball, and you have a “she” in your life who only “likes” jewelry, then you may want to think about this one carefully.  The tweet doesn’t really address you specifically, but you could argue that replacing “love” and “loves” with “like” and “likes” works for you.
  • If you love baseball and have a “he” in your life that loves jewelry, then you may want to investigate this Replica 1967 World Series Championship Super Double Secret Probation Mystery Decoder Ring giveaway.  Just substitute “he” in place of “she”.  Note that this works regardless of whether “you” represents a male or female.
  • If you like/love baseball and have either a “he” or a “she” in your life who likes/loves jewelry, then you may be okay as long as “he” or “she” likes/loves crappy jewelry, because these replica rings aren’t exactly featured in your typical Jared’s commercial.

What if you are male/female/neither and have multiple “he” and/or “she” that/who like/love jewelry in your life?

Purchase extra tickets.

-#dennis

DISCLAIMER:  I wasn’t offended by the tweet, but I did think it was poorly worded.  I poorly word a lot of things, and I highly doubt the person actually responsible for the tweet had any ill will at all.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that the wording isn’t deeply rooted in some personal bias.  It just means that it’s unlikely that the intent was to offend.

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