C70’s Parody Archive

Occasionally Cardinal70 tries to do some song parodies revolving around the Cardinals.  Some are more successful than others, but here they are in roughly the reverse order in which they were “released”.  This does not include the various prose parody/themed writing (such as things related to Star Wars or Doctor Who), just the musical acts.

Daniel (Desclaso) (December 2014)
The Month of Playoffs (October 2014)
Trust In Mo (May 2014)
The Heroes of Diamonds (September 2013)
Don’t Bunt, Matheny (November 2012)
We’ve Been Waiting (March 2012)
We Wish You A Cardinal Christmas (December 2011)
On The First Day of Cardinal Christmas (December 2011)
The Championship Song (December 2011)
Happy Flight (I’m A Believer) (September 2011)
Happy Flight (Come Fly With Me) (September 2011)
Batista (May 2011)
(Not) Smooth (May 2011)
I Don’t Want To Miss A Mang (February 2011)


Daniel (parody of Elton John’s “Daniel”, of course)

Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane
I can see the red ball cap with so many tear stains
Oh, and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
Sure does look like Daniel won’t be having Cardinal ties

It never was pretty though at times it was clutch
Well Daniel says if only Mike didn’t play him so much
Oh and he should know, he was out there enough
Oh he’ll miss Daniel, oh he’ll miss him so much

Daniel the scrapper, you are younger than me
Do you still feel the high of that Game number 5?
Your time has died, but you’ve seen more than I
Daniel, you’re no star but a great clubhouse guy

Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane
I can see the red ball cap with so many tear stains
Oh, and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
Sure does look like Daniel won’t be having Cardinal ties
Oh it looks like Daniel won’t be having Cardinal ties


The Month of Playoffs (parody of “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel)

Hello playoffs, my old friend
We’ve come to play here once again
Because a vision softly creeping
Of rings and joyous weeping
Was a vision that was planted in our brain
And still remains
Within the month of playoffs

This restless year we’ve only grown
Stronger from the angst we’ve sown
From the days of spring training camp
Through many days when the offense was damp
Now we hear the cheers of the fans dressed in red and white
They go all night
Within the month of playoffs

And in the bright harsh lights we saw
Ten thousand people times four
People yelling and not hating
Unless the others they were baiting
People writing songs that voices shouldn’t share
There’s always there
Within the month of playoffs

“Fools,” said I, “you do not know
Playoffs like a cancer grows
Stress that makes it so you can’t eat
Always worried that you’ll be beat.”
But my words were ignored even by me
It was the month of playoffs

And the people stayed up late
To find out the Cardinals’ fate
And the sign flashed out its warning
Clayton Kershaw is now warming”
And the players said that big goofy Dodger is heading for another fall
Let’s play some ball
Within the month of playoffs


Trust In Mo (parody of “Let It Go” from Frozen)

The bats go quiet on the diamond tonight
Not a big hit to be seen
An offense of desolation
And fans are getting mean

The blogs are howling like a swirling storm outside
Wanting Oscar now or Mozeliak fried

Just let him in, just let us see
Be the big bat instead of Daniel D
Reveal, don’t seal, just come on Mo
But he says no

Trust in Mo, trust in Mo
He’s rarely been wrong before
Trust in Mo, trust in Mo
He’ll go down in Cardinal lore

He won’t care
What the experts say
Let the doubts rage on
He’ll do what he’s going to do anyway

It’s funny how some playoffs
Cuts down on all the flack
And trading Rasmus for a title
Gets Mo a little slack

It’s time to see what he can do
For Oscar to come and break through
Not right, you’re wrong, so says Bernie
We’ll see

Trust in Mo, trust in Mo
These Cardinals are going to fly
Trust in Mo, trust in Mo
He’s one sharp dressed guy

This home stand
Or when DH
Let the storm rage on

His power flurries through the air without a sound
His work is spiraling as Oscar covers center ground
And one thought crystallizes like an icy day
He’s never going back
So where’s he going to play?

Trust in Mo, trust in Mo
He’ll make the move here before too long
Trust in Mo, trust in Mo
He needs his own theme song

He won’t care
What the experts say
Let the doubts rage on
He’ll do what he’s going to do anyway

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The Heroes of Diamonds (parody of “The Hero of Canton” from TV’s Firefly)

Matt
The men we call Matt……

Knockin’ base hits and they come ‘round to score
Give us all they have then they give us some more
Our love for them grows when they’re up to bat
The heroes of diamonds, the men we call Matt

Now Matt saw the Cardinals team shakin’
They saw the Cardinals lament
And they saw that Pirates team takin’
A title for which weren’t meant

So they said, “You can’t do that to our people,
That just doesn’t have any appeal.”
Matt grabbed up their bat
And in five seconds flat
Brought the Reds and the Pirates to heel

Knockin’ base hits and they come ‘round to score
Give us all they have then they give us some more
Our love for them grows when they’re up to bat
The heroes of diamonds, the men we call Matt

Now here’s what separates players
From common folk like you and I
The men they call Matt
Saw pitches so fat
And let those baseballs hit sky
They dropped them into the bleachers
They dropped them all ‘round the yard
And the men they call Matt
Woke up this team so flat
And headed them for October hard

Knockin’ base hits and they come ‘round to score
Give us all they have then they give us some more
Our love for them grows when they’re up to bat
The heroes of diamonds, the men we call Matt

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Don’t Bunt, Matheny (parody of “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey and sung by Tara Wellman here)

Just a Columbus boy, picked to be the manager
He took the leading reigns of the champions
Just a city boy, not born or raised with fancy stats
He took the leading reigns of the champions

A double smoked in the first
Gives him a chance to do his worst
The crowd’s chant fills up the night
It goes on and on and on and on

(Chorus)
Hitters waiting, up and down the lineup card
There’s no need conceding an out
Slugging people, living just to drive the run in
Let them, swing free in this bout.

Working hard to get one run,
Very soon the inning’s done
Losin’ everything when rolling dice,
Blogs explode again
Some will win, some will lose
Some would bunt with Albert too
Oh, the song, it will never end
It goes on and on and on and on

(Chorus)

Don’t bunt, Matheny
Let go of the feelin’
Slugging people

Don’t bunt, Matheny
Hold on
Slugging people

Don’t bunt, Matheny
Let go of the feelin’
Slugging people

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We’ve Been Waiting (parody of “I’ll Be Waiting” by Adele)

It’s getting closer, it’s almost time,
So much has happened since we said goodbye.
Raffy stayed here, Beltran’s in
Albert left for new waters,
But you still can win,
Missed the game under winter’s sky,
Viewed every blogger and read every line,
The trophy came home to St. Lou,
You were the greatest, this is true,

Seemed we had time against us,
A strike between us
We almost cried
Then Freese left us speechless,
And now the sky is clear and it’s blue,
And we can see that green grass too,

We’ve been waiting for you to be ready to play ball again,
Mike says “Get up”, year’s new
Not much is different
Since we happily flew,
We’ve been waiting for you to be ready to play ball again,
Mike says “Get up”, year’s new
Not much is different
Since we happily flew,

Watch Berkman swing, with all his might
See the ball hit bat now,
And soar into the night,
It’s awesome to see that Waino’s strong
It’s time to play now, for the curveball to burn,

Seemed we had time against us,
A strike between us
We almost cried
Then Freese left us speechless,
And now the sky is clear and it’s blue,
And we can see that green grass too,

We’ve been waiting for you to be ready to play ball again,
Mike says “Get up”, year’s new
Not much is different
Since we happily flew,
We’ve been waiting for you to be ready to play ball again,
Mike says “Get up”, year’s new
Not much is different
Since we happily flew,

Time against us,
Strike between us,
Heavens cried,
Then Freese left us speechless,
Time against us,
Strike between us,
Heavens cried,
Then Freese left us speechless,
Then Freese left us speechless,
We’ve been waiting,

We’ve been waiting for you to be ready to play ball again,
Mike says “Get up”, year’s new
Not much is different
Since we happily flew,
We’ve been waiting for you to be ready to play ball again,
Mike says “Get up”, year’s new
Not much is different
Since we happily flew

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We Wish You A Cardinal Christmas (parody of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”)

All: We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas and a Redbird New Year

Players: A trophy we bring
To you, all the fans
A trophy for Christmas and a Redbird New Year

Fans: Oh, bring us a Pujols contract
Oh, bring us a Pujols contract
Oh, bring us a Pujols contract as a Redbird next year

Pujols: I won’t stay unless I get some
I won’t stay unless I get some
I won’t stay unless I get some so bring the money out here.

All: We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas and a Redbird New Year

Waino: Good tidings I bring
To you, all the fans
I’m throwing without pain and I’m pumped for next year.

Carp: You darn well better be back
You darn well better be back
You darn well better be back, I may need help I fear.

Jaime: Hey, watch that what you’re saying
Hey, watch that what you’re saying
Hey, watch that what you’re saying, I’m standing right here.

All: We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas and a Redbird New Year

Motte: A fastball I bring
To life in the pen
Maybe I’ll be named closer in a Redbird new year.

Salas: The games will get much shorter
The games will get much shorter
The games will get much shorter with this pen next year
Dotel: I wish that I could come back
I wish that I could come back
I wish that I could come back with my stuffed squirrel next year

All: We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas and a Redbird New Year

Matheny: No experience I bring
To leading a team
But unlike with Tony, the ladies will leer

Nick: Hey, Mike, can you grow a mustache
Hey, Mike can you grow a mustache
Hey, Mike can you grow a mustache, we’ve got a bet over here.

Matheny: I tried to do that one time
I tried to do that one time
I tried to that one time, but then kids ran in fear.

All: We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas and a Redbird New Year

Berkman: Great presence I bring
To this tight clubhouse
So glad I left Houston before they brought up the rear

Holliday: My year was really freaky
My year was really freaky
My year was really freaky, that moth’s still in my ear.

Freese: I am now a Cardinal legend
I am now a Cardinal legend
I am now a Cardinal legend, Game 6 made that clear

All: We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas
We wish you a Cardinal Christmas and a Redbird New Year

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On The First Day of Cardinal Christmas (parody of “On The First Day of Christmas”)

On the first day of Christmas the Cardinals gave to me, a nice shiny trophy

On the second day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the third day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the fifth day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the sixth day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, six mid-year pickups
Five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the seventh day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, seven Series games
Six mid-year pickups
Five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the eighth day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, eight hitters hitting
Seven Series games
Six mid-year pickups
Five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, nine dramatic innings
Eight hitters hitting
Seven Series games
Six mid-year pickups
Five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the tenth day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, ten’s retirement news
Nine dramatic innings
Eight hitters hitting
Seven Series games
Six mid-year pickups
Five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, eleven in eleven
Ten’s retirement news
Nine dramatic innings
Eight hitters hitting
Seven Series games
Six mid-year pickups
Five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Cardinals gave to me, twelve arms a’throwing,
Eleven in eleven
Ten’s retirement news
Nine dramatic innings
Eight hitters hitting
Seven Series games
Six mid-year pickups
Five crazy weeks
Four pitching changes
Three Albert homers
Two outs on a grounder
And a nice shiny trophy

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The Championship Song (parody of “The Christmas Song”)

Season’s just about to end in fire
Dave Freese swinging from his toes
Ballpark carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up in a shade of rose
Everybody knows

The game’s live ‘till the final out
And his blast made things go all right
Rangers fans, they went home in a pout
Cards fans found it hard to sleep that night

They knew that seven was on its way
Never dreamed that they’d be able to see this day.
And every mother’s child let out a sigh
Because this team never did know how to die

And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To fans from one to eighty-two
Although it’s been said many times many ways
Happy Championship to you.

They knew that seven was on its way
Never dreamed that they’d be able to see this day.
And every mother’s child let out a sigh
Because this team never did know how to die

And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To fans from one to eighty-two
Although it’s been said many times many ways
Happy Championship to you.

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Happy Flight (I’m A Believer) (parody of “I’m A Believer” by The Monkees)

October was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Tony was out to get me
That’s the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

Thanks to the Braves, now I’m a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
They are in, I’m a believer!
Gotta believe that was a happy flight.

I thought the race was more or less a given thing,
But the more the Braves gave, the more we got.
Marmol threw the wild pitch
Beat up on the Mets.
All we needed were the clubhouse pets.

Thanks to the Braves, now I’m a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
They are in, I’m a believer!
Gotta believe that was a happy flight.

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Happy Flight (Come Fly With Me) (parody of “Come Fly With Me” by Frank Sinatra or, my personal favorite, James Darren)

Come fly with me, let’s take a happy flight
If you can use some October news
Cards did make them some tonight
Come fly with me, let’s take a happy flight

Come fly with me, let’s float down to the Lou
In Cardinal land there’s a one-team band
And they’ll beat the Phillies too
Come fly with me, love that champagne view

Once they get on in there where the air is rarified
Enjoy the ride, steely-eyed
Once they get on in there the wins will be so dear
You may hear a Nation cheer ’cause they are winning

Now all eyes are looking to Saturday
Lots of Twitter words while we’ll watch the Birds
Up that Philadelphia way
Winning’s perfect for a flying getaway, they say
Come fly with me, let’s fly, let’s fly away

Once they get on in there where the air is rarified
Enjoy the ride, steely-eyed
Once they get on in there the wins will be so dear
You may hear a Nation cheer ’cause they are winning

Now all eyes are looking to Saturday
Lots of Twitter words while we’ll watch the Birds
Up that Philadelphia way
Winning’s perfect for a flying getaway, they say
Come fly with me, let’s fly, let’s fly away
The Cardinals are coming today!

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Batista (parody of “Dream Weaver” by Gary Wright and written for Aaron Miles’ Fastball)

I’ve just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the denial train
Tony’s adding to my worries of today
And he’s giving the sign

CHORUS
Ooh Ba-tista
Don’t believe you can get me through the eighth
Ooh Ba-tista
Gotta admit I’m lacking in some faith

Boggs is flying high with Franky out
Sanchez a hitter’s bane
Motte’s the thrower of fantasy
Please don’t inflict any more pain

CHORUS

The pen door will be opening soon
There still may be some time
Doesn’t matter if it’s only mid-June
The Poet’s really not fine

CHORUS

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(Not) Smooth (parody of “Smooth” by Santana)

Another long one
They’re botching grounders in the midday sun
I hear them whispering the words “scoring more runs”
But who do they fool?
David Freese-a
Threw the ball and hit Alisa
There’s no reason this season, no fielding groove

And the fans say “Fielding’s not good enough”
We would give a lot for Ozzie now
All this ball-catch strife
Can put us in a mood
‘Cause they’re not smooth

And it’s just like the ocean
In a typhoon
Well, that’s the same emotion
That we get from you
You got the kind of glovin’
That sure ain’t so smooth, yeah
Get to the ball, make the play
Or else forget about it.

Well, I tell you one thing
All these misplays are a crying shame
We hold our breath with every ball
Hit on the ground, hoping they’re out

Error by Theriot
Mike goes crazy on the radio
You watch the turning of the play
Too soft, too slow
Runners go round and round

And the fans say “Fielding’s not good enough”
We would give a lot for Ozzie now
All this ball-catch strife
Can put us in a mood
‘Cause they’re not smooth

And it’s just like the ocean
In a typhoon
Well, that’s the same emotion
That we get from you
You got the kind of glovin’
That sure ain’t so smooth, yeah
Get to the ball, make the play
Or else forget about it.

And the fans say “Fielding’s not good enough”
We would give a lot for Ozzie now
All this ball-catch strife
Can put us in a mood
‘Cause they’re not smooth

And it’s just like the ocean
In a typhoon
Well, that’s the same emotion
That we get from you
You got the kind of glovin’
That sure ain’t so smooth, yeah
Get to the ball, make the play
Or else forget about it.

Or else forget about it
Or else forget about it
We can’t forget about it

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I Don’t Want To Miss A Mang (parody of “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith and written for Joe Sports Fan)

I could stay awake just to see the tweeting
Many stories that I’m reading
Even see them when I’m dreaming
Will he spend his life in a Cardinal uni?
Or will he be lost to the market forever?
Every moment spent in talks spends more of Bill’s treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
Don’t want to miss a tweet
‘Cause it’s Albert, baby
And I don’t want to miss a Mang
Gotta know when Strauss says boo
Derrick and Buster Olney too
‘Cause it’s Albert, baby
And I don’t want to miss a Mang

Keeping it close to you hasn’t stopped the guessing
And I’m wondering what you’re thinking
If it’s dollar signs you’re seeing
So we look for signs
And thank God for the Twitter
I just hope that these talks don’t go on forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
Don’t want to miss a tweet
‘Cause it’s Albert, baby
And I don’t want to miss a Mang
Gotta know when Strauss says boo
Derrick and Buster Olney too
‘Cause it’s Albert, baby
And I don’t want to miss a Mang

I don’t want to miss one note
I don’t want to miss one guess
I just want to tweet about you
And read about you, just like this
I just want things to be done
Just want to hear you’ve signed
And you’ll stay here in St. Louis
For all the rest of time
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Don’t want to close my eyes
Don’t want to miss a tweet
‘Cause it’s Albert, baby
And I don’t want to miss a Mang
Gotta know when Strauss says boo
Derrick and Buster Olney too
‘Cause it’s Albert, baby
And I don’t want to miss a Mang

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