Meet The Conclave: Dennis Lawson

With the changes in the Conclave roster, it seemed a good time to let you, our readers, know a little bit more about the guys that you are reading, whether they are coming over from The Redbird Daily or have been a part of the Conclave for a while.  So I (Daniel Shoptaw, also known as Cardinal70) thought I’d ask a few questions of these writers.  Enjoy!

Blogger: Dennis Lawson
Blog Name: Pitchers Hit Eighth
Twitter: gr33nazn

Daniel: For those that don’t know, who is Dennis Lawson outside of his blogger life?

Dennis: I’m a middle-aged, overweight Asian guy who enjoys gluten, Robert Frost poetry, and very brief walks on the beach. Because miracles do happen, I have an awesome wife, a bratty kid, three dogs, a cat, and a really long mortgage contract. My educational background is in Geology and Geophysics with a minor in Mathematics – neither of which I actually use in my professional life as an Application Ecosystem software thingy guy. In my downtime, I binge read, play chess, work as a drug mule with some Mexican cartels, and run with scissors. I was an absolutely mediocre 4-sport athlete (basketball, baseball, track, and golf), and my greatest athletic achievement is getting tossed out of a Little League game after allegedly getting thrown out at home for the second time in 2 innings. I grudgingly admit that I enjoy cooking (ask about my homemade pot pie recipe), YouTube videos of pandas doing anything, and oversleeping whenever it’s most inconvenient to people around me. Huge fan of nice suits, nice timepieces, and cheap tacos. Not a fan of politics, global warming, and overpopulation. My spirit animal is a stuffed panda, and my patronus is a unicorn being ridden by a panda wearing leather. I’ll watch any movie with Kate Beckinsale in leather, but I’d rather watch Kingdom of Heaven for the 28th time than any movie that disinterests me.

Daniel: Assuming each of you are holding scissors, who wins in a race, you or Yadi?

Dennis: Yadi, because he definitely has a faster car than I do, and based on his Instagram account, he’s definitely comfortable driving with one hand holding an inanimate object.

Daniel: What made you get into blogging in the first place?

Dennis: After getting slammed on social media for some very outside-the-box opinions, I actually wrote a short piece on why I wasn’t a blogger. Nick from PitchersHitEighth asked if I would be interested in writing for his blog with the understanding that I could throw as much crap against the wall that I cared to toss as long as some of it stuck. He was desperate for new content since he wasn’t selling enough PH8 hoodies from the blog store, and he really didn’t have a moral compass to get in the way of what I wanted to say. Since I have no issue with hypocrisy and very little stood in the way of me changing my view on blogging, I agreed to be the blind squirrel seeking nourishment. Also, I was in dire need of a new hoodie and really liked the light gray PH8 one.

Daniel: Are any of those hoodies still around? Not that it ever gets cold enough around here to use it, but just in case.

Dennis: I’ve actually still got two of the PH8 hoodies that I still wear – dark gray and light gray. There is a medium dark gray one kicking around here that has never been worn.

Daniel: What do you think has been the highlight of your blogging career so far?

Dennis: Not getting sued for copyright infringement, libel, or slander. Landing “Tweet Of The Week” honors in the Sports Illustrated May 27th, 2013 edition entitled “The Cardinal Way” was hilariously unexpected and a close second.

Daniel: What are the odds that the not getting sued streak can continue? And what are the odds that they’ll actually sue me since whatever you write will go through my Twitter account?

Dennis: The odds of not getting sued? Roughly the same as Dexter Fowler’s contract not being an albatross. The fact that whatever I blog gets broadcast to the Twitterverse under your account is the primary reason I write for Conclave. If I offend someone (which is pretty much a given), I can just hide behind you and blame fake news or whatever.

Daniel: What do you like most about being a Cardinal fan? What do you like most about the online Cardinal community, which would include Twitter, blogs, podcasts, and the like?

Dennis: Easily my favorite part of being a Cardinal fan is that I can get obnoxiously preachy with insufferable pronouncements and hide behind the “Best Fans in Baseball” banner. No matter how stupid I act on social media, most of the audience dismisses me as the bully pulpit nightmare that I really am. I actually don’t even like the online Cardinal community. Far too many of those morons are much like me. The ones who aren’t like me are just like my friends who are Cardinal fans. All the Twitter accounts are boorish, all the blogs are mediocre, and I’ve never listened to a podcast in my life.

Daniel: Yet you have been on a podcast.  What sort of horrors would have to happen for someone to think that was a good idea again?

Dennis: The podcast thing was a total accident. I was had. I was took. I been hoodwinked, bamboozled. Led astray. Run amok, I say. I’ve actually done several podcasts, but most of those were sympathy appearances. I figure that if someone is desperate enough to think it’s a good idea to have me on their podcast, then they deserve a certain amount of pity. Or absolute disdain. Probably more the latter, and that’s why I don’t feel obligated in any way to be kind. It’s like someone asking me to babysit. Sure, I’ll be present but don’t expect me to change diapers or stop the kids from smoking crack. There would have to be ritualistic sacrifices of certain gummy bears to a pagan god or maybe just a pagan goat combined with an agreement to introduce me as “Dathan from birdpoop dot com”.

Daniel: I still don’t know what Dathan ever did to you but I’m fairly sure I don’t want to. Is that the best running UCB joke out there?

Dennis: I can’t think of any running UCB joke out there that has gotten nearly as much mileage as me impersonating Dathan.  I feel that the moment “Dathan” asked Mozeliak about using his office to trade Ty Wigginton, the blogger event went from “feed these annoying people free food to placate them” to “let’s just get this event over and done with”.

Daniel: What do you like about writing at the Conclave?

Dennis: What is this “Conclave” thing you speak of? Is that the opposite of “convex”? Perhaps it’s a Buick model.

Daniel: With Nick apparently off on a deserted island, why have I kept you around and not changed the locks?

Dennis: I honestly think you are just too lazy to go into the WordPress admin console and revoke my access. If that isn’t it, then maybe you are taking a religious angle and consider this a form of penance. I’m just speculating here, but maybe it’s just nostalgia. If you go back almost a decade ago, PH8 was inexplicably popular and fun, but with Josh and Nick living happy, fulfilling lives I’m the last remnant of a bygone era that we need not celebrate.

Daniel: You know Josh still writes here, right?

Dennis: So he tells me, but I don’t actually read the Conclave stuff, so I wouldn’t really know. There are just too many baseball words. That’s why I don’t proofread anything.

If Dennis ever gave a straight, serious answer to a question, we’d check him into a medical facility.  I can say here, though, that his slightly askew look at the world, especially the Cardinals, is a welcome slice of the Conclave.  I can say that because nobody has read this far and I can completely deny I ever said it.

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