Mo: “Jhonny, how are you feeling today? The trainer told me that you were feeling a bit under the weather.”
Jhonny: “I feel fine, John Mozeliak. Really. Never felt better actually.”
Mo: “Are you sure? Because I’m concerned about your physical and emotional well being. If you aren’t 100%, then I need to know what can be done to get you to that point.”
Jhonny: “I really do feel great, John Mozeliak. Just grinding it out, taking one at-bat at a time, and doing whatever I can to help the team compete.”
Mo: “It’s great to hear you say that, Jhonny. The management team feels that there are some things you can do right now to help this team improve. As a matter of fact, the guy behind the dugout who yells ‘GET IN THE HOLE!’ whenever a ball goes into the outfield had a stellar idea.”
Jhonny: “I’m all ears. Just tell me, and I’ll do what I can.”
Mo: “Have you every considered faking an injury?
Mo: “You know what I mean. It’s when you pretend. Like when you were pretending to be a pretty pony last week until Broxton tried to jump onto your back, and you screamed like a small child in a horror movie.”
Jhonny: “Oh. But why would I do that? I like being a pretty pony, but I don’t want to pretend I’m sick.”
Mo: “Well, Jhonny, when a mommy and daddy love each other ve….oh, sorry. Wrong speech. Sometimes when the team needs your help, it may mean that you help by not playing. It would just be for a short time, and we would make it retroactive to the last time you were permitted on the field with your glove.”
Jhonny: “Okay, John Mozeliak, but I’m not sick, so this is kinda confusing.”
Mo: “No problem. I’ve talked with the team doctors, and we all agree that the best way to get away with this devious plan is to make the injury something easy to remember and believable. We were thinking of scurvy, Scarlet Fever, or maybe malware.”
Jhonny: “I don’t know what those first two are, but I don’t think that word malware means what you think it means. Carlos told me all about that one after he filled his laptop drive with those videos.”
Mo: “Ah. So maybe you don’t have malware. Maybe swine flu or perhaps a broken rib. Have you considered the potential benefits of voluntary surgery for thoracic outlet syndrome?”
Jhonny: “I don’t think anyone would believe I have a broken rib. I laughed really hard at Adams shagging fly balls in left field yesterday, and when I coughed from laughing so hard I was fine.”
Mo: “Wait! You were coughing? That’s great. We can say you have an upper respiratory infection that you picked up when traveling through some foreign country like Texas.”
Jhonny: “I haven’t been to Texas recently, so maybe pick a different foreign country. Like Idaho.”
Mo: “That works. Anyway, I’m thinking that we’ll put you on the 10-day disabled list. That buys you some time to get better.”
Jhonny: “But I feel fine. This is just pretend.”
Mo: “No, I really mean ‘get better’. You need to get better at baseball things. Not all heroes wear capes. This is your chance to be a hero.”
Jhonny: “You mean like Loki.”
Mo: “Uh, sure. Let’s go with that. You get to be a hero like Loki.”
Jhonny: “Awesome. My agent is going to be really excited to hear that I’m going to the disabled list for 10 days even though I’m healthy and in a contract year.”
Mo: “About that….we should probably keep this a secret. Can you keep a secret?”
Jhonny: “Oh, definitely. I haven’t told anybody that Carlos uses ‘U$$ss$18’ for his Instagram password.”
Mo: “I didn’t need to know that.”
Jhonny: “Oh sorry. So just one time on the 10-day DL, and I’ll be back in the lineup starting again, right?
Mo: “Well, I’m not entirely sure about that. Mike and I haven’t really discussed what to do when you return. We have discussed your poor plate discipline, declining OPS over the last 4 years, and how you are a defensive liability. You are behind Diaz, Garcia, and Gyorko on the depth chart at shortstop, and you are behind Garcia, Gyorko, and Carpenter at third. You also haven’t really squared up a ball since around mid-September of last year.”
Jhonny: “Okay, but none of those things ever stopped Mike from starting me.”
Mo: “I know, and that’s a problem. Let me worry about that. You just focus on your fake recovery from the injury that everyone knows that you don’t have.”
DISCLAIMER: This isn’t an actual conversation between John Mozeliak and Jhonny Peralta, but it really should be, because that would be pretty great.
DISCLAIMER v2: I shouldn’t have to tell anyone that this is a parody, because Peralta is obviously more of a Heimdall than a Loki.