The Official Bag Phone of Major League Baseball
Mo: “Neal, Mo here. Heard the news about Marte. Thought I’d give you a call to offer my sympathies and a shoulder to cry one. I’d offer to be the big spoon, but you didn’t make it into town for this series.”
Neal: “Great to hear from you, Moz. I sure appreciate you calling like this. I actually was going to give you a call after I spoke to my PR folks, but maybe you can give me a bit of advice.”
Mo: “I’ll help in any way I can as long as we don’t have to bury a body again…”
Neal: “Well, about that…oh, sorry. What happens at the winter meetings, stays at the winter meetings. Off topic. Anyhoo, I was wondering if this Android Alone stuff can be blamed on Marte using an inhaler for treating his exercise-induced asthma.”
Mo: “It’s Nandrolone, and I don’t think so. Nandrolone isn’t in asthma medications. Is Marte even on an asthma medication?”
Neal: “Uh, no. He doesn’t even have asthma. I was just asking….for a friend. Grasping at straws as it were. As you probably noticed last night, we moved Cutch back to center field. He seems solid there, but I’m concerned about wear and tear. Once he gets a month or so under his belt, he could decline faster than Jhonny Peralta’s power.”
Mo: “So, what are you planning to do? Go get another guy to play there? Move someone up from the minors? Ebay?”
Neal: “Actually, I was hoping I could convince you to give me a deal on Tommy Pham. I understand that he’s pretty fast and can turn around a fastball. I also know that he’s 18th on the depth chart there behind guys like Jose Martinez, your quality control coach, your translator, and probably the nice lady who mistook me for a panhandler after that night at Joe Buck’s restaurant.”
Mo: “Good times. Well, I’m open to a discussion. I already said that pretty much everything was on the table a few days ago, so make me an offer I’m ambivalent about refusing. What do you have?”
Neal: “That’s tough. We’ve called up some of our top prospects like Taillon and Glasnow already, so the cupboard may be a bit bare in terms of guys who could help you. Can I interest you in some buckets of baseballs we fished out of one of our three rivers?”
Mo: “I’m not completely opposed to used waterlogged baseballs that smell like failure and shame, but you’ll need more than that to get Pham. He’s pretty good and has shown that he can play at the big league level. We have every intention of keeping him in our minor league system until his age 45 season.”
Neal: “Look, I can toss some signed Bill Madlock game worn jerseys into the deal, and it doesn’t have to be for Pham. I just need some outfield depth in a hurry. After we finish the series with you guys, we move on to playing good teams.”
Mo: “If you need an outfielder and aren’t choosy, you should have said so to begin with. I’ll let you have Matt Adams for a truckload of baseballs, the Madlock jerseys, and a $50 gift card to Primanti Brothers.”
Neal: “Tempting, Moz. But Adams isn’t really an outfielder, is he? I mean I saw him on a lineup card the other day, but I figured it was a typo. Can he actually play a corner outfield spot?”
Mo: “Oh, he’s an outfielder. His natural position is really center, but he’s got the arm for a corner spot. Mike believes in him, and after that whole walking on water thing he did in McCovey Cove, I believe him.”
Neal: “I guess it can’t hurt, although I like the jerseys a lot. If you’re sure Adams can handle right field at PNC….”
Mo: “His bat plays.”
Neal: “I don’t even know what that means, but you could probably sell ketchup popsicles to an Inuit wearing white gloves in winter, so I’m in. I’ll have someone draw up the papers, and we can use one of those computer thingies to send everything to MLB this afternoon.”
Mo: “Deal. Just send me the paperwork by 10:30. I’ve got a meeting at 10:00 on ways to monetize the toilet paper at Busch, but it shouldn’t take long, and I need to give Mike and Matt enough time for a proper goodbye.”
-#dennis
DISCLAIMER: This isn’t an actual conversation between John Mozeliak and Neal Huntington, but it really should be, because that would be pretty great.
DISCLAIMER v2: I shouldn’t have to tell anyone that this is a parody, because Neal is obviously the big spoon.
