It’s apropos that Citi Field is located in Flushing, because Carlos Martinez just dropped a deuce there on Opening Day. His underwhelming performance combined with the team’s “swinging-at-air” offensive approach made game 1 of the 2018 season feel more like game 163 of the 2017 season. Same dookie, different season.
While you may be tempted to crawl into your pillow fort for some day drinking to bide time until the next fiasco-in-waiting, please join me in stewing over this loss for the next two days instead. So, if you enjoy long walks on heavily polluted beaches, bad poetry, and dancing in acid rain, here’s a quick summary of game 163.
Positive takeaways:
- Nobody appeared to be maimed or arrested.
- One Martinez showed up ready to play. The other was Carlos.
- Yadier Molina looked as fresh and upbeat as anyone else in the world who is set to catch 157 games.
- Jordan Hicks looks a bit like the pitcher that many hoped Sandy Alcantara could be.
- The Cubs are only one game ahead in the division.
- Having baseball games to complain about is WAY better than not having baseball games to complain about.
- Mike Matheny – still handsome.
- Jose Oquendo – still a better choice at manager than Mike Matheny.
- Matt Carpenter cut a throw loose from third that didn’t fly over Jose Martinez into the 8th row.
- McCarver only referred to “Michelle” Ozuna once during the entire broadcast.
- Matt Holliday doesn’t have a baseball job at the moment which means he could theoretically be hired by FoxSports Midwest to make fun of those who do have baseball jobs.
Negative takeaways:
- What Matt Bowman lacked in velocity and sink he made up for with an uncanny ability to hit bats today.
- Mike Mayers looked reasonably competent in his bid to bring his career ERA down below 19, but a double-digit FIP isn’t out of the question yet.
- Jose Martinez still looks like a legitimate big league hitter, but he’s running out of time at age 43.
- Mike Matheny is still the manager and probably will be when our sun becomes a red dwarf and destroys this planet.
- It’s possible, nay likely that the Cardinals hired the wrong Maddux.
- The Cardinals are surrendering the 59th overall pick in the next amateur draft and spending $14M to sign a closer who can help the team fight its way to a solid 84-win season.
- Carlos Martinez still wastes a lot of pitches that aren’t even close to being competitive. Unless he makes a significant change to his approach, the only we he tosses a Maddux this year is if he physically picks up his pitching coach and heaves him somewhere.
- Cards Twitter is way, way too optimistic about this team (and everything in general).
- Yahoo’s fantasy baseball team names have a character limitation that prevents me from using “Best Little Bour House”.
- When Matt Carpenter did cut loose on a throw that didn’t quite fly over Jose Martinez into the expensive seats at Citi Field, he looked like he was tossing a watermelon through a hula hoop on top of a flagpole. #NoExtension
- Much to my chagrin, it turns out that “Tuivailala” isn’t actually a Teletubby.
Now that you’ve hopefully enjoyed some snarky catharsis, it’s time to make haste to your cushion castle to prepare for game 2. So go fetch a pint (or three) of your favorite ice cream (or ale), grab a fairly clean Cardinals onesie, and pull tight the blanket door. Might as well sleep until Saturday, friends.
As you drift off dreamily (or blackout abruptly), here are a few words of something that most certainly isn’t wisdom to ponder.
It’s too early to panic but never too early to be disappointed.
-#gr33nazn
