Adding Giancarlo Stanton Could Be How the Cardinals’ Offensive Force Awakens (and 92 Other Star Wars Puns)

If you aren’t on Twitter and weren’t bombarded by the countdown and subsequent unleashing of posts, a new site went live on Friday.  Featuring some statistically obsessed people, a guy who never saw a changeup he didn’t love, a prospect maven with cranial issues, and whatever CardsCards is, Birds on the Black is what The Intrepid looked like it was going to be (which is sorta what this umbrella of the Conclave was trying to be, but that’s long gone) and most likely will become the major landing place for thinking Cardinal fans very quickly.  Any teasing I may do toward those guys is of course a sign of the respect I have for cardinalsgifs, Joe, Kyle, Zach, Alex, and the like.

Of course, any insults unleashed at the man we call Bruno are completely justified, mainly because he takes his shots at me first.  (OK, fine, I’m kidding there as well–CardsCards is a unique and interesting part of any collaboration he’s involved in.)  In his first post for the new site, besides somehow actually knowing our traffic numbers here, he put up a mock post headline which is the same as this post’s title.  I really don’t think I can do 92 puns on Giancarlo Stanton himself, but if we branch out into the Cardinals and the offseason (and go with some references as well), let’s see what we can come up with.

  1. Stanton’s shadow looms as a phantom menace to this offseason, as no moves will be done until that issue clears up.
  2. The Cardinals have so many players with similar profiles it’s like an attack of the clones when they are all in the lineup.
  3. If they could grab Stanton, though, there would be a new hope among the fanbase.
  4. You have to worry about Boston or San Francisco in the Stanton race, though.  It would be just like those empires to strike back and deny the Cardinals a win.
  5. Of course, getting revenge on those postseason Sith would be pretty sweet.
  6. Forget the Jedi returning, all we want is the Cardinals to return to the postseason.
  7. Stanton’s playing it cool, though.  The Cardinal fans are screaming, “We love you!” and he’s just standing there saying, “I know.”
  8. These negotiations feel like they are frozen in carbonite.  Where’s a disguised princess to get them thawed out?
  9. The problem is, Stanton thinks St. Louis is a slimy mudhole when everyone else is “my home this is!”
  10. It could be worse, though.  Imagine fans of San Diego or Oakland, feeling like they are on the planet farthest from the bright center of the universe.
  11. Perhaps you feel you are being treated unfairly, but the Cardinals have done a good job of putting together quality teams over the past two decades.
  12. We’re still looking for a Rey of hope here, though.
  13. We can’t have the owners saying that they are a Poe boy here.  They have to Poe-ny up.
  14. If nothing else, it’d be great to have some news to Chewie on.
  15. There are some fans out there that are saying they aren’t following all these rumors.  Let’s be honest: you R2.
  16. I mean, it’s not like this stuff is happening in a galaxy far, far away.
  17. Spinning might be a nice trick, but not when you are spinning your wheels and it feels like that is what the Cards are doing.
  18. There’s a dark side to all of these rumors and that’s what happens if they don’t come true.
  19. Fans are going to feel like they’ve been hit by Sith lightning if Stanton doesn’t wear the birds on the bat.
  20. You gotta wonder if Miami sitting over there telling John Mozeliak and Michael Girsch, “We are altering the deal.  Pray we do not alter it any further.”
  21. You look at that contract, that pile of money, and it’s hard not to exclaim, “Look at the size of that thing!”  But we’ve got to cut the chatter and focus.
  22. This isn’t the last Jedi out there, either.  I know we want Stanton, but goals can be accomplished in different ways.
  23. All it takes is for a rogue one out there, a team that goes nuts taking on the deal, to ruin things.
  24. Sometimes it takes a Jedi master to stay calm in the face of all these exciting possibilities.
  25. Lifting this team into postseason contention isn’t like lifting an X-Wing out of the swamp.  They aren’t that far away.
  26. At some point, Mo and Girsch are just going to have to make their Finn-al offer to the Marlins.
  27. Still, many fans are hoping that come Opening Day, they’ll be shouting at Stanton “Yoda man!” as he circles the field.
  28. You know it’s K2 doubt the deal is going to happen, though.
  29. We aren’t some farmboy from the far reaches of the universe.  We’ve seen these things before.
  30. This is how payroll flexibility dies.  With thunderous applause.
  31. It could be, if Stanton doesn’t opt out, the Cardinals are chained to that contract like Obi-Wan was chained to the pillar at Geonosis.
  32. If the Cardinals make this deal, though, nobody’s going to be able to say Naboo to Bill DeWitt for a while.
  33. I mean, if you put out this kind of cash, who is going to say he’s a Greedo?
  34. Seriously though, Giancarlo, we would be honored if you would join us.
  35. This deal could keep the Empire–or the Cubs–out of the top spot forever (or at least a few seasons).
  36. Adding this sort of bat and shoring up a few other places (like the bullpen) might turn the Cubs from Wookiees to Ewoks.
  37. But where will Stanton Lando?
  38. Mo needs to shoot first here and not let the Giants get the drop on him.
  39. I have a bad feeling about this if Stanton goes somewhere else.
  40. This could be a Grevious mistake if the Cardinals let finances get in the way.
  41. Sure, you may feel the need to quickly go Dooku if you Count it all up.
  42. But fear is a inSidious thing.
  43. Already 2015 feels like before the dark times, before the Empire.
  44. We need to get back to that more civilized age when the Cardinals were winning divisions and going to the playoffs.
  45. If nothing else, fans are ready to see a Baze of glory even if it doesn’t pan out.
  46. None of this Leia-ing about expecting a rebound.
  47. They say only a Sith deals in absolutes, but there’s no doubt the Cards absolutely have to make a splash.
  48. Maybe it’s a trap.  We’ll have to see.
  49. Fixing all the issues won’t be doable in a Solo move.  There’s going to have to be other things done.
  50. However, if they make those moves, there’s a good chance this team will be Skywalking.
  51. You can’t force it, though.  These things really need to feel Organa-ic.
  52. We’ve had BB-8 weeks without baseball and not a lot to fill the void.
  53. If Mo doesn’t make a move soon, well, he’s braver than I thought.
  54. I’m not saying that the team is a piece of junk, but it may need some special modifications to bring it up to speed.
  55. The First Order of business is to get this Stanton deal resolved, though.
  56. There seems to be a Resistance to taking on the whole deal, but that opt out clause really helps the Cardinals, I think.
  57. Given how things usually go, you can be forgiven if you think this is all Snoke and mirrors.
  58. I mean, usually the Cardinals are like a phasma, a ghost, in these kinda things.
  59. This is uncharted waters for Cards fans to some degree.  It’s like they recognize the map, but there’s a piece missing.
  60. They think that there’s no way St. Louis will land Stanton, but I say tell that to Kanjiklub.  There’s a good chance it will.
  61. I’m not saying that Stanton is the baseball version of Starkiller Base, but his power would surely destroy some pitchers.
  62. This is not the time for the team to be crying Porg, not with a new TV contract starting up.
  63. The Cardinals truly belong with those among the clouds and Stanton can help get them there.
  64. It’s not that the Cubs have just a small exhaust port as a weakness.  They are vulnerable.
  65. If you start to get into the free agent market, though, there are a lot of strange creatures in that cantina that might not be worth the money.
  66. They must do what they feel is right, of course, but the team needs to be ready to take its first step into a larger world.
  67. Outdated models of constructing a team, like hokey religions and ancient weapons, are no match for a blaster by your side, as in a modern sensibility of how things work.
  68. If they don’t do anything, I’ll be the first to call them scruffy looking nerf herders, but I don’t think it’ll come to that.
  69. It’s not like they can just Snap their fingers and get it done, though.
  70. As long as there’s light, we’ve got a chance.  As long as Stanton doesn’t get dealt elsewhere or all talks are called off, he could be a Cardinal.
  71. It’s getting later in the winter, though.  Mo needs to be set up for his attack run.
  72. Hopefully Mo hears that Stanton will waive his NTC to come to St. Louis.  I imagine he’d exclaim, “I have you now!”
  73. If nothing happens, though, a lot of fans are going to ask permission to jump in an X-Wing and blow something up.  Or not wait for permission and slag the front office via Twitter.
  74. Sometimes you have to let the past die.  It’s the only way to be free.  Whether that’s old ways of doing business or sentimental attachments, they can hold you back.
  75. I mean, nobody loves prospects more than Kylo Reis but I’m sure he’d let some go for Stanton.
  76. The Schwarz is with the pitchers, but he’d give up an arm or two for that big bat.
  77. Even if things get dark, I sure hope Mo can snatch victory from the Jawas of defeat.
  78. It’d be a lot of fun to watch Stanton wampa some homers over the next three years, at least.
  79. Maybe if he wanted it Stanton could wear 25 for his hero growing up.  You wouldn’t even have to get it out of Mothma-balls since Dexter Fowler is wearing it currently.
  80. I just wish something would happen.  It feels like it’s been a thousand generations since the end of the season.
  81. Even when things seem bleak, you gotta hope that the door stays a-Jar Jar.
  82. You do wonder who might be Qui Gon if this deal happens, though.  Some talent has to accompany the money.
  83. It could be Luke Weaver Andor Sandy Alcantara heading to Miami.
  84. You wonder if someone like Randal Grichuk would be gone in the deal Erso.
  85. Of course, right now all we are doing is Tarkin about all the options because there’s nothing else really to do.
  86. It’s a pretty Darth time right now if you are looking for blog content.
  87. There’s not enough news in the Cardinal world to fill a space cruiser or a regular column.
  88. Sometimes, tempers and patience can be stretched tauntaun.
  89. A fan Veers from hope to despair within the span of a few hours.
  90. It can be a Scarif time, especially when you hear rumors that a mystery team might swoop in.
  91. You can be looking for news in Alderaan places, falling for fake Twitter accounts.
  92. Just don’t do anything foolish, like getting a Tatooine of Stanton in Cardinal red, and you’ll make it through all right.

Just remember, if you liked this, there are plenty of other Star Wars posts around these parts.  If you didn’t, let CardsCards know to be more judicious with his parodies, because they might become real!

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Last updated: 10/06/2022